Matter over mind

(The mind-body problem)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

“The mind-body problem is a philosophical problem concerning the relationship between thought and consciousness in the human mind and body. It addresses the nature of consciousness, mental states, and their relation to the physical brain and nervous system. The problem centers on understanding how immaterial thoughts and feelings can interact with the material world, or whether they are ultimately physical phenomena.”

I’ve been concerned about low mood for a couple of weeks now. As I’ve written elsewhere, I have a real fear of depressive episodes, and I was afraid I was sliding into one.

I know that uncertainty can breed depression. Lack of progress can breed depression. Bipolar disorder can breed depression. It’s hard to control.

Mood swing. Depression. Defeat. Again.

I’ve been worrying about my mind, which is almost always the source of my problems. But the answer this time was physical - and I wasn’t even looking in that direction. I had the wrong perspective, once again.

I’ve had two surgeries this year, one major, one minor. Both have had great results, but recuperation was lengthy. I had made careful plans for my knee surgery recovery so I could monitor my progress. Had I not had those detailed plans for my recovery, I might have gone straight up the walls - I honestly didn’t realize just how important managing my expectations would be.

The ankle surgery happened more quickly, without that planning. It’s taken more time to heal than I expected - no longer than I was told it would, just longer than I wanted. My three weeks of limited activity has felt like forever. I was getting discouraged.

Then last week, I somehow irritated it, causing some minor pain. Even that level of pain sent me spiraling, thinking either I’d done real damage or, worse, that the surgery had failed to remove the pain after all.

The thought that the surgery might have been a waste drained me. I felt completely defeated, and stayed that way for several days.

Mood swing. Depression. Defeat. Again.

I went back to the clinic, and not surprisingly, I’ve been worrying unnecessarily. Everything is fine, and I’m healing at a normal rate. If things continue as they are, I should be able to get back to normal activity next week.

Since the first week of April I’ve had about two weeks when I was free, physically, to do as I like. And those two weeks were the happiest I’ve had in a long time. This last month, I’ve been lying around, just...healing, not really sure when - or if - I’d be back to normal.

Now there’s an end in sight, and that has lifted me up enough to let myself think. My mood is lifting, as are my energy levels. I haven’t been having mood issues, and depression has not been dogging at my heels; it’s my physical self that’s been taking most of my resources. Had I realized that, had I looked in the right direction, the last couple of weeks might have been much more pleasant, less fearful.

Uncertainty, perceived lack of progress, can lead to depression. Managing expectations is crucial, and it’s not really native to someone with bipolar disorder. Knowing what to expect is really, really difficult when we’ve spent our lives in reaction mode, just trying to keep up with a life where everything is unexpected. Forget about thinking ahead; why waste limited energy on planning when circumstances are likely to change anyway?

Planning is foreign to me, but in some situations it’s an effort worth making. It won’t always work; it won’t always be the right answer. But it’s a tool I never thought was available to me, and a skill I didn’t think I had. (I still don’t know what sense of balance, what clarity, allowed me to plan that knee recovery so well; it’s completely out of character).

That’s one important lesson for me. The other lesson is to be open to the possible causes of a mood change. It’s not always the seemingly random act of bipolar disorder. Sometimes it’s the flu - an obvious cause, one we can usually spot easily. Sometimes it’s life.

Sometimes your body has quietly redirected your resources in ways you haven’t really noticed. That feels a lot less scary than a bipolar episode.

Now that I have, I hope, figured out that my problem is one of my body, my matter, suppressing my mind and my mood, I’m recalibrating my actions and expectations. I’m slowly improving my diet (again), and looking forward to a nice long walk. I want to get some exercise, banish my fears, shake off the dust. Or as my beloved aunt used to say to us children, “Go outside and blow the stink off ya.”

Time to have some fun, and it’s right around the corner. I just have to adjust my perception. It’s not always the mind that matters after all.